Two Angel Babies in Heaven.
As we left the hospital after receiving our heart wrenching news, we saw a rainbow, for a mere moment. I wasn’t sure if it was our little rainbow baby saying goodbye or us being told that another rainbow baby will come again.
When we found out we were pregnant with our second baby shortly after our first, I was filled with SO MUCH JOY; we both were. I promised myself after the loss of our first baby, that I would exude the same amount of joy, if not more, when we received the blessing of our second baby. I was so excited and hopeful and at the same time scared, but I thought this would never happen to us again… until it did.
We lost our second baby this January (2019), our much hoped for and prayed for rainbow baby.
We found out at about 10 weeks pregnant. We lost our first baby in June 2018 at around 9 weeks. They were both "missed miscarriages."
We lost this baby the SAME week our first baby, Hasia, was supposed to be born. Her expected due date was January 7, 2019 and we officially found out about the loss of our second baby, our other angel baby, on January 10. (We however, received sad news prior to this making it an even darker time for us.)
No one expects this, no one deserves this, but, here we sit dealing with the pain, emotions and grief once again - doubled.
To say things have been darker in my life, OUR lives, is about the only way to describe it.
You see, you become a mom the moment you see those two lines on a pregnancy test… and the next nine months and 18+ years flash through your mind and heart. Your heart expands and you immediately want to share your positive news with the world - “we’re going to have a baby, we’re going to be parents - we’re officially starting our family”.
But, we’re not - at least not yet.
We’ve seen and felt the spark, joy and excitement of starting a family a couple of times, only to still be without any baby to hold in our arms. We still have hope, but we also have a lot of healing to do both physically, mentally and emotionally.
Both of these babies must have been pretty special to leave us so very early.
I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me, why this keeps happening to US, when others go through so much ease in the process of pregnancy.
I'm very healthy, I've been directly focused on creating a natural + healthy body and lifestyle for over 16+ years and the past couple of years, before we decided we would officially start trying, I was creating an even healthier body (working with a Naturopath and continuing with my own healthy lifestyle) to be able to carry a healthy baby when we were ready to start our family.
Unfortunately, that's not how it works (per my Doctor) - or it didn't for us. Does it help? Yes, I'm sure, but there are so many other factors, uncontrollable things, that can happen with pregnancy. Having a miscarriage does NOT mean you are unhealthy. (However, after losing a baby, we tend to overanalyze everything we could have done to prevent it, but in fact, we couldn't have done anything at all.)
No one can prepare you for the grief, sadness, heartache, anger and all of the other emotions that come up when you lose a child. Until...it happens again, but you still aren’t prepared - you never are. The healing and the darkness I have flowed through are now back, almost as if they didn’t leave.
This moment, these moments, don’t define me as a person and they don’t define us as a couple.
Are they defining moments? Yes.
Do they define me or us? No.
Though honestly it’s hard to not sit in that space of darkness and let it envelope our lives.
Please know that I already feel judged and am merely sharing this to share the struggles in life, along with the highlights, that social media and most people doesn’t often share.
I share this to let other women who deeply desire to be a mom that have been through similar circumstances or may sadly go through this in the future know that they are NOT ALONE.
While more people are sharing, still not a lot of people share about miscarriage - which is their/our choice - but that leaves a lot of women and couples who are out there struggling in silence - feeling like their bodies have betrayed them with the darkness of life and loss surrounding them in isolation.
I share because I need the love and support, just like I openly give love and support for others; I am working on receiving the same. Jordan and I appreciate all of the love and support we have received from loved ones so far. I’m blessed to have him as my partner as there’s no way I could get through this - again - without him.
"How very quietly you tiptoed into our world, silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon our hearts."
If you've read through this, thank you. It's not alway easy to share, but one thing that's on my heart is sharing more about our story. I know it's been helpful for me to read and hear other's stories - whether online or in personal messages or through personal connections. After losing our first baby, I had written a lot, but didn't really share much here, just on my computer, but I feel called to share more now.
xx - Nicole