To Be a Mom
Love is a magnetic feeling.
Kissing soft pinkish chubby cheeks, hearing light hearted baby laughter, answering a late night cry for connection, receiving a warm comforting embrace, providing nourishment, connecting with an energetic soul-filled twinkle in your baby’s eyes, balancing exhaustion with content and your heart feeling a grandiose amount of love; this is a small part of what I feel motherhood will be like.
One day, even though I have been wanting this for most of my adult years, I will be a mother. To some this may be a surprise, but to those who really know me, know this is a firm and honest desire. I will be someone’s mom. I have my heart set on receiving this incredible gift.
I’m not a mom (I’m not pregnant *yet* either) and sometimes that makes me feel left out, not a part of the "mommy club", which most of my friends and women my age belong. I haven't earned the "mommy rite of passage" and I truly haven't, it's not a "club" to which I belong. I feel different, sometimes lost and alone.
Alone like my first day at a new school in eighth grade when many of the girls chose to make up rumors about me rather than reach out to be my friend. I wasn't part of the club, that sacred teenage club, the friendship and popular group. I didn't fit in. I sometimes always still feel like the new girl in a way.
I feel rejected in a sense, not part of a certain special “in the know” society, especially at my age. People tell me to not worry about my age, but those same people already have children, so they don’t and can’t truly understand this, similar to the fact that I don’t understand what it truly feels like to be a mom.
Realistically, I have no idea when the gift of motherhood will be presented to me. I’m 36, in a few weeks I’ll be 37. (I feel like 37 going on 26, so that's a huge win.) I’m single (not married), yet in a love-filled committed relationship. However, with there being no real concrete talk about future family plans (there's a little chatter here and there), I wait. I wait while being impatiently patient longing for something that I’m not quite sure is possible.
What I do know is that when God puts something in your heart, you have to keep the faith that it will happen.
I have faith it will.
Personally, I have had hormone and adrenal issues, so, as any woman, especially women of my age, I’m naturally curious if I'll receive this divine present; motherhood. The pleasure of holding my own sweet-smelling soft and naturally beautiful child in my arms after a couple excruciating, painful and long laborious hours bringing her or him (or twins) into the world. I will be enthusiastic, yet nervous to meet them.
Envy isn't the right word, but I feel envious of my friends that are moms of one, two, three, four or five (plus) babies. Not a negative envy, not jealousy, but more so a personal feeling of awareness of how I truly want what they have. They've experienced miracles - wonderful babies, little angels they have brought to life. Tiny, yet ambitious, souls to create their own personal family.
I watch from afar as they share the elegance of childbirth, starting and raising a family, while openly sharing the highlights and joys amongst the struggles. I’m aware there will be ups and downs in the journey of motherhood, I know my life will change in many ways; I'm ready for this.
While there are some things I love and embrace about the unknown, there are some things that build up inside of me and cause me to be impatient, longing, desperate, and sad because I know inside of me the timing of bearing my own child is one thing that I can not control and yet from the most hidden and darkest part of my being, this heavy desire has been placed in my heart. I know there are angels, special kindred souls out there that will chose to have me as their mom, their mother, their guide and their protector.
Life is a journey filled with beautiful changes and I know that being a mom and bringing children into this world will bring a lot of predictably unpredictable shifts to my life. Trust me, I’ve been told; I’m being prepared by those that love me. To me, that’s part of the journey, part of the joy, and to be expected. I think the gift of giving another human life is a beautiful life shift, one I'm ready to embrace with a wide open heart and thousands of amorous kisses.
At the same time, I know that there can be struggles with having children, both before having children and after they're here on this earth. This does scare me, but I’m not owning that feeling. There's always a chance I can’t have my own children, a chance that I could have a miscarriage, or try many times and not be able to carry my own child. I also know that you don’t have to carry a child within you to be an amazing love-filled mother.
I understand this, even though I haven’t experienced it. I know many amazing, caring and love-filled women who have experienced such pain both in silence and in sharing this part of their journey. My heart always goes out to them, these strong radiant women, as I would hope if that happens to me I would also be supported in a love filled way.
Here I wait, with an open heart, longing for a little baby or babies to grow inside of my body, my love-filled and healthy body. Inside of the body in which I've been consciously preparing for them when they're ready, nourishing my body so I can in turn nourish theirs.
When their souls arrive, I will love them; I will love them fiercely. I’ve been practicing love all of my life and while I am not perfect at it, I know they will receive a love stronger than I have ever felt.
Amorous laughter, tears, strength, struggles, and a feeling that I can’t yet explain in words because I haven’t been blessed to experience the joy of being pregnant, childbirth, creating a family and motherhood.
My future little ambitious souls, you will be loved.
There will be so much space for joy in your lives and I can’t wait to share my life and uncontainable love with you.
Personal Update: In May 2018 we found our we were pregnant. However, at 8 weeks pregnant, we found out we lost our first baby. I've shared more about this here.
We still have faith and I'll remember to come back to this post to update with future positive news when it comes our way. I loved being a mom for even that short amount of time and I have faith it will happen again.
Interestingly enough, I read this again after going through our first miscarriage and it was as if my past self was writing a message to my present (future) self to keep the hope. xx Nicole
Baby picture on top is of me, Nicole Marie, in case you were wondering.
Photo credit: My momma
Thank you, lovely. xoxo
Oh honey, what a beautiful, vulnerable piece. The sting of longing and not feeling you belong is so hard. You will be a marvelous mom.
Thank you, Madelon! I appreciate your kind words and taking the time to read.
Prayers your heart desire is fulfilled
Thank you, sista friend.
This is beautiful. feelings I have experienced also. hugs….
I just love you. Thank you for sharing. Your journey and your family are beautiful.
You will be a Mom some day and I will be a Grandma!
Thank you, momma! Love YOU! xoxoxo You’ll be the best grandma!
If being a mother is the desire of your heart, (and I understand it is), you will be a mother someday. If not to your own biological child you will become the mother of a child or children that desperately need someone like you to love them.
You are doing everything right to be ready and able to be a wonderful mother when that happens.
My only advice to you lies in two personal anecdotes.
The first is the story of my cousin and his wife who had been married for several years, wanted very much to start a family, and yet just did not get pregnant for some unknown reason. Then they were stationed in Korea (my cousin was in the Army) and they met a woman who was pregnant with her fourth child who was struggling to provide for herself and the three children she already had. They helped support her and her children throughout her pregnancy and adopted her baby boy when he was born. That baby boy is now a married man in his late thirties, a high school art teacher, and just esrned his doctorate. Here’s the caveat: when he was about three months old my cousin’s wife found out she was pregnant at long last. She had relaxed her attention on getting pregnant because she was busy and fulfilled by being a mother to her little adopted son and she got pregnant without trying. So, when their son was eleven months old she gave birth to their healthy little girl. So my cousin and his wife went from being a childless couple to being the parents of two children within eleven months time.
The second story is mine.
At age 24 I was diagnosed with a severe case of endometriosis and had to have my left tube and ovary removed along with a huge endometrioma. I was told I couldn’t have children without some reconstructive surgery, and probably not even then.
At first I was heartbroken because I had always loved children and longed to be a mother someday. But I gradually accepted the reality and enrolled in nursing school, which was my other lifelong dream. As I learned more about my disease in nursing school I came to understand why I could not have children and I accepted that if I wanted to become a mother I would need to do so in some other way than by carrying and giving birth to own my biological child.
And since I was only 26 and not yet married I relaxed and thought motherhood would be something that would happen a few years in the future. And then a miracle occurred. About a month or so after graduating from nursing school I found out I was pregnant. My doctor, (the one who had done my surgery and told me I wouldn’t be able to have children), was shocked and didn’t believe I would carry my baby to term and give birth to a healthy baby.
But two weeks before my 27th birthday I gave birth to my beautiful, healthy, full term, 8 lb 7 ounce son, Jason. He is now almost 36 years old and still the love of my life and the greatest blessing God has ever given me.
So the moral of the story is:
Continue to do everything you can to be prepared to be a mother by whatever means and never give up hope.
If being a mother is the desire of your heart you will be a mother someday. And the child or children who will have you for their mother will be very, very lucky.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your personal experience and stories, Dianna. It’s greatly appreciated. <3 You are too sweet! xoxo
Your friend described some thing similar that happened to me. I had numerous complications.. And then got pregnant and miscarriaged. I was devastated and then got more disheartening news that likely I wouldn’t be able to carry a child to full term. My husband at the time and I took a break from the fertility treatments, the charting and numerous other things to get me pregnant. We decided to look into adoption. I was enjoying my life knowing I would have a baby ( biological or not). And one day I got pregnant! I firmly believe the stress of trying to get pregnant was the reason I hadn’t gotten pregnant. We need to relax and let our universe guide us. I hope this helps. You will be a awesome mother!
Aww, thank you for sharing that Michi. I know how much you love your son, too. What a gift. I am definitely letting the universe guide me. Thank you, lovely!
Dianna – I’m reading your love filled and hope-filled words again after recently losing our first baby. Thank you for sharing this, thank you for being such a supportive and bright light in my life. Thank you for giving me hope both then and now. <3